Trying to find motivation

this is my heartrate sitting on the

loungeroom floor at rest even

while on medication

For the first time in my life I almost hate running. I am not injured. But I struggle to get out the door. Once out the door I struggle to get going. Once going I struggle to keep going. Then I struggle to get home again. Running has become a real struggle. It is no longer the pleasure that I once knew. I could quite easily just give up. I am not seeing any fitness gain. I do not need any weight loss. I have no race I can train for. And it is definitely not providing any sense of wellbeing. I come home feeling more crap than when I went out. I gasp for air walking up a hill. My legs feel like lead running down a hill. The flats are a shuffle barely more than walking pace. The winter has settled in with cold and dark evenings. It has also settled on my heart like a cold dark cloud.

But I will not give in. I know I can beat this. The drugs are like poison but they keep my heart in check. Well at least most of the time. And that is the point, the drugs are not a cure. They are to manage the problem and even then it is a compromise between keeping me in sinus rhythm and allowing me to still function as a human being. Right now neither objective is totally successful. I see the cardiologist again next week. Time to look at the other options. I need to run again. I doubt I will ever be able to run like I want again. I don't mind going slow. But I need to have this weight lifted off my heart and this cloud to clear.